This morning I had to ensure we were all out the door early as I had a medical appointment for myself. Mr 11 was a little difficult as he detests being hurried. But we got out the door and all went well time wise.
This afternoon I was at Mr 11’s school for the usual afternoon routine. I drove around the kiss and drop zone twice, and found a park where he would see me. After five minutes I see him playing handball. Another five minutes go by and he waves at me. I gesture to him to come. After ten minutes he got in the car and said ‘Soz” meaning sorry. I told him not to bother saying sorry as he really wasn’t sorry that he kept me waiting for fiftenn minutes so he could play handball. The trip home was quiet, I had told him that I will not be taking him to soccer training tonight. I told him that his behaviour was rude and disrespectful. He hates it when I make him wait. I spoke to my partner and he had the same experience last week, when he had to pick Mr 11 up from school so I could attend a medical appointment. He was told then that he needs to be ready to go when school ends and not off playing. He wants us to be there on time but does not come when we are there.
Tonight, I yelled at Mr 11. Now I know that it is the wrong thing to do. So he hates me and I said I don’t care. He said he hates me again. I was unwell most of today and had a nap after school. Of course that put everything out for the rest of the evening as dinner was late, etc. I made the mistake of letting the TV be on tonight while we ate dinner, and they both got engrossed in a show. TV went off and I sent Mr 14 off to shower. When it was Mr 11’s turn, he first had to sit on the toilet for fifteen minutes. This is common and I have not learnt how to change that. Then he came out angry that he had to adjust the shower head again. The screw that hols the shower head in position and allows you to move it up and down was loose and not holding it the right place again. Always and issue for him. But as usual he comes out to get the screw driver and ranting and raving and blaming his older brother AGAIN that he has caused this problem. My partner and I have both explained that it is not his brother’s fault and how the mechanism works. But as he is usually showering after his brother die to his procrastination, then he assumes it is his brother’s fault.
So, I yelled and I got angry. I hate yelling and I feel like I am the worst parent on the planet. I think that I have to give him to his father and he can finish raising him. I am seriously so done with being treated like crap by him.
I try so hard and wonder why he is like this. I remember that I felt the same way with their oldest sister. I can be grateful that he is not physically violent like she was. I used to think the only way to manage her and giver her a better life would be to give her away to someone who “got her”. Well, I think the same way about him. Can I do this for another seven years until he is 18. Why is that the magic number? Really, there is no logical answer, his ASD won’t go away then. Will I have taught him enough for him to survive in the world? Will he have respect for friends? Will he be able to get and keep a job and be respectful at work? Will he expect everyone to run after him just like he does at home?
I don’t know! But right now, it’s time for him to have Melatonin and to close the story of this day and hope and pray that tomorrow is a better day. (I have another appointment in the morning and we have to get out of the house early again)